do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
