You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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