Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
