got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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