Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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