life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
