thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
