Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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