i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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