college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
