So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
