Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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