So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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