Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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