so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
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I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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