Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
