"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
