I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
