i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
