Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
