K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
