I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
