My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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