you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
