My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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