Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
