the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
