Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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