So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
