U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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