I cockslap morals
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
