I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
