John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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