They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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