yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
soo... how was my night?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
And then he peed in my hair
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