Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
