he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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