im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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