So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
