I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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