I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he puts the penis in happiness.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
