Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
