I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Green mimosas i think yes
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
