The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
