If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
