Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
