mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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