Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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