I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
