don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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