im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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