I just pynch a tree in the face
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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