My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
