just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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