ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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