i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
