You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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