He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
